Discipline part 3/3- Relationship with child’s biological parents

Hello readers, this is Michelle.  I’d like to point out that this post is written for foster parents, but it’s also good information for parents in blended family (step parents) and anyone who works with foster care or blended families.  Family is important and can be the basis of so much joy- but it can certainly get complicated!

“How you yourself handle the fact that the child has another set of parents cannot be separated from the welfare of the child for whom you are caring” (Felker, 1975)

All foster children have a set of biological parents somewhere.  In most situations, the goal of foster agencies is to reunite the child with their parents; so foster parents interact directly with the child’s biological parents.  However, even in situations where the child’s biological parent is completely removed from the picture (by death, jail, or some other reason), the foster parent will still need to help the child with whatever need that creates.  Many children, even if they don’t want to live with biological parents, want to know things like what their mom looked like, did their dad ever play basketball, and other things that help them figure out where they came from and who they are.

On the subject of discipline, research has found that, when self-reporting, foster parents and biological parents report that they use very similar levels of positive, appropriate, and harsh discipline.  (Linares, 2006).   The author of this study acknowledged that some parents may be “faking good”- giving the “right” answer instead of the true answer.  However, this still shows that most bio parents recognize what those “right” answers are, which is significant because often one component of reunification is that the parent attends parenting classes, but this study may imply that parents already know a lot of the things they should be doing, so how do we help them to do it?  One thing this research found was that parent-to-parent, bio parent to foster parent, cooperation was what really made discipline effective. (Linares, 2006).

Working with a  foster child’s biological parents can be difficult, even painful, because you care about this child who the parent has mistreated.  However, you need to recognize that you may only be in this child’s life for a brief period of time while their biological parent hope to have them returned to their care.  So, for the welfare of the child, you need to develop a positive relationship with their parents.

Felker  (1975) gives us some suggestions on how to develop that relationship.

1)   Support the efforts of the parent to be a parent. Try not to belittle or patronize the parent as they try and maintain a relationship with their child.  They may do things that you think weren’t very smart- but try and find their motivation and what good is present and encourage their efforts.

2)   Play second fiddle to the child’s own parents.  This requires a great deal of selflessness, you may be providing the child with things they’ve never had, and they may still brag about how great their bio-mom is.  Learn to be okay with that. 

3)   Don’t play games.  Assume the best in people, but also recognize that many of the children in foster care may be there partly because their parent has undesirable coping behaviors, one of which may be blaming others.  Talk to the caseworker if you feel the parent is trying to manipulate you.  Most caseworkers have training to recognize manipulation so they don’t get taken advantage of, they should be able to help you too!

4)   Be honest with the parents. Try to help the parent recognize the steps they need to take to be reunited with their child.  It can be difficult, but help them understand why it’s hard for their child when they promise that “next time I visit, you’ll come home with me”, when they haven’t started the process.

5)   Support the caseworker-parent relationship.  You may be in a position to help explain a caseworker’s decision to a parent, or to let the caseworker know how a parent is interacting with their child.

6)   Don’t overreact to criticism. Biological parents may resent that their child has been taken to their home and that they aren’t seen as fit parents.  Often they pass this resentment on by criticizing the way foster parents interact with the child.  Felker states, “Just don’t let it get under your skin- and don’t take it out on the child.  If it is a persistent problem, you should say quite matter-of-factly that you are doing the best you can and that her criticisms make it harder for you to help her child… [don’t] rebuke the mother in the child’s hearing.  The child may be feeling uncomfortable about the parent’s complaints, and torn between two loyalties”

Foster parenting is not easy, besides emotional and physical needs, there are also the social needs of helping them interact with biological parents, siblings, and caseworkers.  It’s difficult, but you are doing so much good.  Thank you for your time, talents, and commitment to these children.

Linares, L.O. (2006). Discipline practices among biological and foster parents.  Child maltreatment, 11(2), 157.

Linares, L.O., Rhodes, J. and Montalto, D. (2010), Perceptions of coparenting in foster care.  Family Process, 49: 530-542. doi: 10.1111/j.1545-5300.2010.01338.x

Felker, E.H. (1975). Foster parenting young children: Guidelines from a foster parent.  New York, NY: Child Welfare League of America