Reader Response- Discipline Tips for Foster Parents. Part 1/3.

Hello Everyone,

This is Michelle.  A couple weeks ago Kristin wrote a great article responding to the reader question:  “I was wondering what the best techniques for discipline are and if they differ from a child that does not have a disability or exceptionality?”

While the information she gave can really apply to all children, I wanted to also write from the specific point of view of how foster parents can effectively discipline.  I’m actually going to post three blogs on this subject.  This first post will be on some effective preventative strategies, the second will be on specific discipline strategies, and the third  will be on what the research says regarding involving the child’s biological parent in discipline (as well as some foster parenting strategies when the ultimate goal is parent-child reunification).

In regards to the reader question, I think the best techniques for discipline are the same for “normal” children and children who have special needs- it’s just especially important to parent children with special needs more mindfully.

One of the things that stood out to me the most in my child development classes in regards to discipline is the idea that you really can pick your battles.  There are times to teach a child how to handle a stressful situation, but there are also times to recognize what situations are stressful for children and see if you can modify those situations.  Again, this is useful with any child but I think it’s especially important for children who often feel that they don’t have a lot of control of their world.  There are several ways to accomplish this:

1.     Establish a routine and stick to it.  People appreciate knowing what’s going to happen in their day, it gives us a sense of control.  So, if you’ve planned something, follow through.  If you want to do something new, give your child advance warning so they know what to expect before they’re being loaded into the car.

2.     Include the child in setting rules and consequences, then follow through.  When you let the child help in this step, they’re more likely to understand why they’re expected to do certain things and it gives you an opportunity to decide together what fair consequences are.  Many children in foster care who have experienced neglect or abuse may not have experience with what a consequence really is.  Even in many healthy homes, a parent may choose a consequence that has nothing to do with the behavior.  An example of this would be:

You didn’t clean your room so you don’t get any dessert.

What does cleaning have to do with dessert?  Children better understand rules when the consequences are related and explained.  An example of this would be:

When your room is messy it’s easier for things to get lost or broken, so we can’t play with more toys until the room is cleaned.

If you already have family rules, make sure you explain what these rules are and why they’re important.

3.     Try to observe what situations are difficult for your child and see where you may be able to make changes.  For example, my nephew will not brush his teeth with “spicy” (minty) toothpaste.  Rather than fighting about it, my sister has chosen to by fruit or bubblegum flavored toothpaste.  While not all problems are this simple, I think many every day hassles can be- it may be worth it to let your child wear mismatched socks or to wash the pink plate because that’s the only one your child wants to eat off of even though it’s dirty (maybe have the child wash it!).  There are times you have to say no, but it’s valuable to say yes whenever you can because it shows your child that you value their desires as well as their needs.

 

These steps won’t eliminate hard times, but they can help families manage the daily inconveniences and have a happier home.  In my next post I’ll talk more about specific strategies and consequences to help foster children adjust to a new environment. Thanks for reading!

Siegler, R., Deloache, J., Eisenberg N. (2006). How Children Develop. (2^nd ed.).  New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

Felker, E.H. (1975). Foster Parenting Young Children: Guidelines from a Foster Parent. New York, NY: Child Welfare League of America.